First Things First

I’m not sure if what I’ve poured all of my hard work and effort into will actually lead me to the path I want to walk in life.


A place to write out my 3am thoughts, deepest desires, and wishful thinking

On the internet of all places

Where things you think you own and have control over

Are there for all the world to see

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5/25/18

*visits old calc BC and stats teacher*

*talks about his kids*

Teacher: One time during dinner, one of my sons told me that he didn’t like math.

I choked on my food.

 

HAHA I miss high school.

Bucket list (con.)

  1. Go to The Lighthouse Cafe, listen to live jazz, and enjoy the ambience
  2. Go to an Ed Sheeran concert
  3. Go to another Taylor Swift concert
  4. Go to a Coldplay concert
  5. Watch the city lights and stars at Griffith
  6. Eat Ramsay’s Beef Wellington
  7. Hike to the Hollywood sign (back route)
  8. Boujie dinner with the chem group

You need to learn to treat people with respect. How can you not see that the people you disrespect have nothing but lesser regard for you?

Love

5/19/18

Excerpts:

“And now in the name of our loving liberating and life giving god, father, son, and holy spirit, amen. From the song of Solomon in the bible, set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is as strong as death, passion, fears as the its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame.

The late Dr. Martin Luther king once said and I quote, ‘We must discover the power of love, the redemptive power of love, and when we do that, we will make of this old world a new world.’

There’s power in love. Don’t underestimate it. Don’t even over sentimentalize it.

For god is love. There’s power in love to help and heal when nothing else can.

Love your neighbors. And while you’re at it, love yourself.

When love is the way, unselfish, sacrificial, redemptive, when love is the way, then no child will go to bed hungry in this world ever again. When love is the way, we will let justice roll down like a mighty stream and righteousness like an ever-flowing brook. When love is the way, poverty will become history. When love is the way, we will lay down our swords and shields, down by the riverside, to study war no more.

Fire, to a great extent, made human civilization possible. There was no Bronze Age without fire. No Iron Age without fire. No Industrial Revolution without fire.

Fire makes it possible for us to text and tweet and e-mail and Instagram and Facebook and socially be dysfunctional with each other. Fire makes all of that possible.

He then went on to say, if humanity ever harnesses the energy of fire again, if humanity ever captures the energy of love, it will be the second time in history that we have discovered fire.

Dr. King was right. We must discover love. The redemptive power of love and when we do that, we will make of this old world a new world. My brother, my sister, god love you, god bless you, and my god hold us all in those all mighty hands of love.”

5/20/18

In life, you hope a lot of things come true

You hope your dreams come true

You hope you get that dream job

that dream school

that dream house

that dream car

No matter how low the odds, you keep trying

despite the crushing disappointment when things don’t go your way

Some may say that these efforts are futile,

that it doesn’t really matter if you are grateful for what you have,

but what if you dreamed of bigger things

of better things

had higher standards

had higher goals

who are you to say that these improbable, unplausible things

may not one day come true?

 

aka I decided to start entering the Hamilton lottery again

Why She Disappeared

“Why She Disappeared” by Taylor Swift

When she fell, she fell apart.
Cracked her bones on the pavement she once decorated
as a child with sidewalk chalk
When she crashed, her clothes disintegrated and blew away
with the winds that took all of her fair-weather friends

When she looked around, her skin was spattered with ink
forming the words of a thousand voices
Echoes she heard even in her sleep:
“Whatever you say, it is not right.”
“Whatever you do, it is not enough.”
“Your kindness is fake.”
“Your pain is manipulative.”

When she lay there on the ground,
She dreamed of time machines and revenge
and a love that was really something,
Not just the idea of something.

When she finally rose, she rose slowly
Avoiding old haunts and sidestepping shiny pennies
Wary of phone calls and promises,
Charmers, dandies and get-love-quick-schemes

When she stood, she stood with a desolate knowingness
Waded out into the dark, wild ocean up to her neck
Bathed in her brokenness
Said a prayer of gratitude for each chink in the armor
she never knew she needed
Standing broad-shouldered next to her
was a love that was really something,
not just the idea of something.

When she turned to go home,
She heard the echoes of new words
“May your heart remain breakable
But never by the same hand twice”
And even louder:
“without your past,
you could never have arrived-
so wondrously and brutally,
By design or some violent, exquisite happenstance
…here.”

And in the death of her reputation,
She felt truly alive.


You didn’t give a sht.

You left when I showed you my favorite song

and a lot of things that were important to me.

So don’t be surprised when I stop giving a sht.

5/19/18

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is not insanity.

Doing the same thing over and other again and expecting different results is like entering the Hamilton lottery.

The chance that you win tickets, that things work out, that things change, that things stay the same, etc. by fate or coincidence or a greater power is minuscule.

But I’ve come to realize that it’s the expectation part that screws you over.

After investing so much time and working so hard whether for mere days or countless years, you start to unintentionally build up hope within yourself that maybe, just maybe, the next time you put yourself through the routine, the outcome you so dearly desire will happen.

But life doesn’t happen that way.

Life may be profoundly unpredictable, yet the odds remain the same. What has the greatest probability of occurring still tends to occur.

Nevertheless, the importance of what has happened and what will happen is what is minuscule.

What matters in this world is how we feel, the changes we make for ourselves, and what will last for the next generation.

“and in the death of her reputation, she felt truly alive.”

-Taylor Swift

Walls

The other day

you asked me why I built my walls up so high.

The short answer: you

The long answer: not you

My walls are so high

because I find that no matter how high I build them

somebody finds a way to get through

somebody tears it down, finds a ladder, digs under ground, launches a grenade

and so on

and so on

and so I sift through the rubble of unhappy memories and tears

and tissue. lots and lots of tissue

and build my walls back up again

projectile motion is an invincible thing

the harder I hold on to these broken pieces

and the more fragments I hold into place

the more my arms ache and my head hurts and my eyes water

and the pieces I thought would last forever

fall to the ground and shatter.

I’m waiting for somebody who will take these broken pieces from my trembling arms and show me

how they fit together like puzzle pieces to form an even stronger bond

somebody who will show me that these walls

these four walls

that I have built up so high around me

that I used to keep things out

are also keeping things out that would have let the light in.

So build a window

build a door

build a home

so that these four walls

bring a sense of comfort and peace

far greater than any wall will ever be able to.

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